


always tearing you apart (can't you see a change in me)

by OsleyaKomWonkru



Series: The Untold Story of Wonkru [12]
Category: The 100 (TV)
Genre: Angst, Apologies, Blake sibling feels, Episode: s03e10 Fallen, Gen, Post-Episode: s05e13 Damocles Part 2, Unresolved Sibling Tension
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-12-05
Updated: 2018-12-05
Packaged: 2019-09-12 11:31:25
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,040
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16872153
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/OsleyaKomWonkru/pseuds/OsleyaKomWonkru
Summary: Several days after they wake up onEligius IV, Bellamy initiates a second conversation with Octavia. She still won't accept his apologies, but gives him one that he does not expect.Octavia  looked  at  his  face,  he  wore  the  same  open  pained  look  she’d  seen  many  times  in  her  life,  when  he’d  done  something  bad  and  was  offering  himself  up  for  any  punishment  that  she  saw  fit  to  give  him.Pain  welled  up  inside  her  as  she  remembered  the  last  time  he’d  worn  that  look  -  after  Lincoln  had  died,  and  he  let  her  beat  him  to  a  bloody  pulp,  releasing  wave  after  wave  of  anger  onto  his  flesh.If  there  had  been  anything  that  six  years  of  bunker  life  had  taught  her,  it  was  that  such  impulsive  action  was  never  a  legitimate  solution  for  anything.“No.”  Octavia  held  up  her  hands  and  backed  away  from  him.  “No. I  know  what  you’re  looking  for,  and  no,  I’m  not  that  person  anymore.”





	always tearing you apart (can't you see a change in me)

**Author's Note:**

> So this one dives a bit into the more complicated history of the Blake siblings, beyond just what we saw in season 5, since things between the two haven't been completely right in a long time - if they were ever "right" at all.
> 
> I know there was a lot of Octavia hate in the fandom after she beat Bellamy up in 3x10, and many of those same haters celebrated Bellamy's actions in season 5, saying that it was good that Bellamy had finally broken free of his abusive sister's control. 
> 
> I don't think it is that simple. Has Octavia at times been abusive towards Bellamy? Yes, she has. But it also has to be remembered that Bellamy was essentially her jailer for sixteen years. They've never had the foundation to be able to have a healthy relationship, not ever.
> 
> So my hope is that after six years apart, and then the clusterfuck of season 5, that now they might be able to create a relationship that they've never been able to have before - a healthy one where they see each other as equals rather than holding on to their history of co-dependent unbalanced power dynamics. But it'll involve a lot of forgiveness on both sides.
> 
> This fic is my attempt at starting them down that path. It is set in my Untold Story of Wonkru 'verse (links above and below), set a few days after _"there's a letter sealed and unopened for you (we hold it in the most when we're wearing thin)"_ and _"hope has turned to aching (within these wounded hearts can mend)"._

He found her in the training room, stretching, working her stiff muscles to make sure everything was healing properly. It had been three days since he’d woken her up, but they had still only had that first conversation in the cryo chamber.

“Hey, O.” Bellamy said, leaning against the side of the door, fingers in belt loops.

She turned to him and nodded, acknowledging his presence, and went back to her stretches.

“Echo’s awake.” He said. “She’s going to be part of the mission going down to the planet.”

“Good for her.”

“She wasn’t as surprised as I thought she’d be when I said I was staying here. For you. She thought it was a good idea.”

“There’s a shocker.”

“She’s not your enemy.”

“You keep saying that. I’m not sure I believe you. I’m not even sure I believe that you aren’t my enemy anymore.”

“What do I have to do to prove that to you, O? I’m trying but you need to let me in.”

“You need to earn that privilege. I don’t owe you anything. _You_ poisoned _me_.”

“I’m sorry. I’m so sorry. I don’t know how many times I can say that before you believe me.”

“It’ll take more than that.”

Bellamy sighed. “O, please. I - I want to be here for you. But I need you to tell me what you need. I said I’d be there for you. I said I’d be there to help you figure out where to go from here. But I need you to talk to me so that can happen.”

“I don’t want to talk right now.”

“You never do. You never have. I know. But I’m not going to stop trying, because we need to work on this. We need to fix this.”

Octavia whirled around, facing him, eyes angry. “ _You_ need to fix this. You’re the one who broke this. Us. It may have escaped your notice, but I’ve got my own shit to deal with right now. And a fair amount of it is because of you. I don’t know what you are to me. I don’t know what I want you to be. You locked me into that first conversation, but now I’ve had time to think, and process, and - I can’t do this as easily as you want, okay? This is going to take time. I don’t know how much time. And - and you’re - I just can’t _do_ this, Bell. Not now. Maybe not ever. I don’t know. This isn’t easy for me.”

“I’m not going to stop trying.”

“I know you’re not. That’s the one thing I do know about you. But nothing about any of this is going to be easy. None of it.”

“Can’t it be?”

Octavia looked at his face, he wore the same open pained look she’d seen many times in her life, when he’d done something bad and was offering himself up for any punishment that she saw fit to give him.

Pain welled up inside her as she remembered the last time he’d worn that look - after Lincoln had died, and he let her beat him to a bloody pulp, releasing wave after wave of anger onto his flesh.

If there had been anything that six years of bunker life had taught her, it was that such impulsive action was never a legitimate solution for anything.

“No.” Octavia held up her hands and backed away from him. “No. I know what you’re looking for, and no, I’m not that person anymore.”

Bellamy furrowed his brow in confusion. “O, it’s okay. Whatever you need, I can take it. I deserve it.”

“Bell, do you know how wrong that sounds?”

“Sorry, I just thought - I mean, after everything that went on in the bunker -”

“The bunker _changed_ me, Bell. In case you hadn’t noticed. A lot of the things that happened there scare you, I know. But there are also some things that I learned. I learned to think. To plan. To strategize. And I also learned to not embrace every impulse that came through my thoughts. To think before I acted.” She took a deep breath. “I guess this is a good thing that came out of the bunker. Time away from you gave me the chance to break bad habits. Doesn’t mean I didn’t get new bad ones, but - I could break some harmful ones. Things between us hadn’t been right for a long time, Bell, even before you went to space. And that’s on both of us. I know I blamed you for most of it, but - it wasn’t all you. And we both have to live with that, and it is not going to be as easy as me beating the crap out of you and then we go on with our day. It isn’t. That isn’t going to solve anything between us.”

Bellamy let out a breath that he’d been holding as Octavia spoke, understanding all of the implications of what she was saying, and the words underneath that remained unspoken. She was right - things had been wrong between them in many ways even before he’d returned to the ground, before he’d even left it, their words and caring after the conclave notwithstanding.

He nodded slowly. “Okay then. I - I appreciate that.”

“I’m sorry, big brother, for that. I know you didn’t kill Lincoln. I was wrong to beat you up like that. And I’m not going to do things like that again. That’s not me anymore. That might surprise you, I don’t know, but it’s the truth.”

“It does surprise me. I wish it didn’t. Maybe in time after I see my sister living in peace, it won’t surprise me anymore.”

“That’s fair.”

“I’ll - I’ll leave you be for now then. Let you do your stretches. I - I’m sorry. Again. Still. I won’t stop saying that.”

Octavia smiled a wan smile. “I know. And maybe one day I’ll be able to believe you.”

Bellamy nodded, taking his leave. Octavia sighed and turned back to face the other direction, mind whirling with everything she’d admitted to Bellamy, their past, what that could mean for their future - it was all so unclear.

Only time would make sense of any of it, that much she knew.

**Author's Note:**

> Title is from "Walk Alone" and "Demon Limbs" by PVRIS.


End file.
